How to Go to the Ballet in Abu Dhabi
by Shannon D. Holmes
Spend 200AED (about $55) on a ticket to the Russian Ballet
Spend 2.5 hours deciding what to wear and getting dressed
Call for a cab, providing directions such as "I live near Cuba Cafe, behind Khalidiya Mall, in Al Rasul Baha, near the Abu Dhabi Commercial Bank"
Wait 10 minutes for the standard text message confirmation for the cab
Call back to see if a cab is coming
Stay on hold for another 5 minutes to find out "there's not one in your area, so no."
Walk to find a cab, while wondering if your backless dress is inappropriate and will attract disapproving stares from the men entering your neighborhood mosque
Do not cover your backless dress because it's too hot
Get a cab and realize it's the one you called for in the first place
Do not tell the cab driver this so you won't have to pay the 6AED booking fee
Arrive at Emirates Palace, open-mouthed and wide-eyed at the grand opulence including: marble valet driveways, Bentleys and Lamborghinis parked on the marble driveway, workers who mop the marble driveway after the Bentleys and Lamborghinis drive away
Stop taking pictures and hurry inside because it's too hot
Enjoy a Bellini and share delightful cheese platters with friends while waiting for your tickets from Will Call
Realize the show is starting soon and you still don't have your tickets
Receive a text message from your co-worker at Will Call informing you that "there are no tickets"
Ask "why the flip not?!"
Receive another text message explaining "the Sheik (King/Sultan) bought them all"
Realize how shocked you are NOT
Vow with your co-workers that the Sheik's son, who attends your school, will not learn his long-vowels until you receive a full refund
Pay another 200AED for the Bellini and cheese that suddenly isn't so delightful anymore
Ask the jazz band in the lobby if they can play "The Electric Slide" so you and your friends can do a flash mob in protest of this ridiculousness
Find out they, of course, do not know the Electric Slide and dance to a Celia Cruz song instead
Go to the bathroom just to check it out because the bathrooms in Abu Dhabi are always over-the-top
Realize how jaded you have become because you are not impressed with the Emirates Palace bathroom
Upon leaving, hear that you can go into the ballet now, but you won't be able to sit together
Oh yea, and if some people go and others do not, no one will receive a refund
Leave the ballet
Important Note - You must do all of the aforementioned with a smile on your face, because such is the life in Abu Dhabi and a frown doesn't change anything anyways
Take the virtual tour of Emirates Palace!!! http://www.emiratespalace.com/shared/vrtour/vtour.html